Question
Dear Dr,
My grandson has been sleeping each night in the same bed with my 35 yr old daughter since birth.
I have read numerous posts by moms who do this who say their child is 'more secure' because they do it but my husband, her stepfather, thinks it's high time he has his own room. Daughter lives alone w/this boy and I think his presence fulfills a need in her own loneliness. She has 2 ex-husbands who objected to it! Do you think he'll be shamed into removing himself eventually or do you think she should insist he sleep alone thus risking feeling rejected? thank you.
Answer
There is no objective data proving where a child sleeps at this age will affect their psychological functioning in life. In many cultures, co-sleeping would be considered normal, and a child sleeping alone would be considered a cruel practice, so you have to keep it in perspective. From 15 years of pediatric experience, I would say that in our culture, sleeping with a parent at this age is not highly abnormal, but in another year to two, would be a different stroy. I have come across only a handful of children who continue to sleep with the parents past the age of 5. In those few, there is definitely a problem with the parent separating from the child...not the child from the parent. At 31/2, you have a ways to go before I would worry, and as things go, all you really can have is an opinion... you don't have the deciding vote. The problem often resolves spontaneously as kids get to pre-school and notice no one else sleeps with their parents. Peer pressure does wonders for this problem.
It is always a tough situation when a grandparent wants my opinion. I feel like what I say may be used to support their views in trying their child. I don't want to be seen as taking sides and wouldn't feel it was right unless I have both people's sides of the story. Do I recommend a 3 year old sleep alone or with a parent? It depends. In some cases it is fine, and in others, it is the tip of the ice berg of a lot of problems, but only getting to know the family will tell me that. If you see anything else abnormal about the way the child is being raised or acting, it might sway me, but if he seems like a happy, healthy child, I don't think it's a big issue. You may feel strongly about him sleeping alone. If you do, I would urge you to say what you feel you need to say directly to your daughter, and do so in a non-judgemental way, and do so only once. If it is advice that is taken, you have helped. If it isn't, nothing should be terribly broken. If she chooses to ignore you, it's best to forget about it and move on. Your daughter is trying to raise a child alone - a difficult task - and needs support. I can tell you want to help her. As much as you might see your advice as helpful, it may be perceived as something quite different, and if taken in a negative way, leave a rift between you. Unless you feel she is abusing the child, you can help her the most by just being there and being noncritical. As hard as that is...and as a mother, I know it is very hard to not want to correct a child's mistake if we see it as such...in the long run, just being there and being a good listener may be the only thing you have to offer her and the only way you have to change her.
I would also add that many children who sleep with parents past the age of 3 have sleep disorders. They still sleep poorly, but they don't wake the parents as much if they are in the same bed. If you get the history that the child snores or is restless or sweaty or has other problems at night, please let me know. Any child with respriratory problems like asthma or frequent colds is also at risk for a sleep disorder.
Good luck.
